I’m really struggling right now, because I went to England, where I lived for three months. I grew in ways I hadn’t expected to; I went through pain and joy and love beyond words. Now I’m home, and I’m excited for little things. I’m becoming more self-dependent, in theory and in truth. Moving out, starting a new job, it all adds up to something greater than the sum of my current self.
Still, as I progress along this stage of my journey, I feel more stuck than before.
In the past, I didn’t have thoughts for my feelings. Today, I struggle to find the words. To put it bluntly, I am terrified of being alone. This isn’t an active fear, for I can lull myself into a sense of security with books, films, and other distractions.
But media is never enough. Learning is never enough. I thrive when I am around people, and I struggle when I feel stuck. What am I trying to say?
Framed in Familiarity
Essentially, I can only be around the same small circle for so long. I’m always looking to meet new friends and create new connections. I’m a firm believer that you learn lessons from every person you encounter. Now, looking into the near future, all I see is months and then years of work and uncertainty. Being trapped in the same cycle that exists between home and the office where I work. I can prepare to move on: I already know that I want to live in Washington State, and later Holland.
However, dreaming and doing are not one in the same. As a soul best fed by instant gratification, it’s hard to continue on a path that feels unrewarding. On a path that has become mundane.
Faulted by Fear
I am afraid. I always feel that those who inspire you mimic persons you’d like to become. Not that you want to be your idols, but I have found that when you admire someone’s decision, you likely wish you could adapt some of those characteristics yourself. Incorporate them in your life, rather than watching from the sidelines.
This is where I am. On the edge of the field, hesitating, wondering if I should step toward the batter. I know that only through these experiences, can I grow. I know that this is something I’ve wanted, and I know that it will help me find words to put to the fear in my current fold. How do I get from here to there?
Close my eyes and take unheard steps forward?
Plan and plan until I finally give?
Do I wait until I’m forced? ‘Til I can’t bear it any longer?
Vaulted to Visceral Vices
All I know is that I feel stuck, and I want to change, and in order to do so, I have to become more comfortable. With myself, with uncertainty, with today rather than tomorrow. Moving is the first step. It is frustrating. It makes me nervous, and it means I will have more responsibility than I had before, but moving is a safe bet. I know I can handle this. I’ve moved before.
What happens when I encounter a situation I cannot handle? Will I be able to work out solutions as I usually do, or will it be the thing that sends me running for security until I seek the solace of my fear begotten soul?
Once I leave this nest, I never want to feel trapped again.
Putting these words on paper is a relief beyond words, but the fear still exists, and it’s eating me whole.
Deep down, I fear my brain avoids progress to keep me trapped within my comfort zone. I fear I avoid things that will help me grow most. You can’t control advancement. Inhibiting growth is still a form of regression.