Over time, I have become the girl of my dreams.
Children are told to find role models. The idea is you'll discover who you want to be through another, as you follow along with their success. Their accomplishments should then motivate you to achieve your own. However, I was never the type to be inspired by another.
Aspirational people are all around you, but what is the point of looking up to them, if their being doesn’t reflect your current self?
Be Your Own Dream
I’ve only ever been able to look ahead to the person I want to become. Coming to terms with this, has helped me shape myself without a tangible figure to represent my becoming. How does this help me as I continue to grow? The greatest difference is that I’m not pinning myself to a seemingly unattainable benchmark.
As I set the standard, I have no limits on what I can achieve, and thus my dreams are never too far out of reach. Even more so, should I fall short, I can adjust my goals rather than becoming discouraged. There is no extrinsically-based regret in realizing I have failed to progress, because my achievements have yet to exist. In failing, I learn that I just need more time to make them real.
While growing into myself, I fought to understand exactly who I wanted to be. As per the fantasies of tumblr users from the early 00's, I tried to place myself as a moon child, or a flower girl, or within some other ridiculous niche thought up by teenage trendsetters in the rhizome we call the internet. By college, I learned to let go of these delusions and come into myself naturally. You can't force who you are.
And so I found myself becoming the girl I am today. Who could have guessed that she would be the very same girl I had always needed?
My Dream Girl Is
My dream girl is smart, not through a complacent sort of intelligence, but through continuously stretching to learn more. She doesn’t see limits to her growth, or undermine the lessons to be learned from life. Rather, whatever comes her way, she finds a way to work with it and she uses her struggles to grow.
My dream girl is unsure of herself. She doesn’t let that stop her, though insecurity is yet another battle to overcome, and she’s stronger for it.
Her battle with mental health is a soft spot, as she struggles to understand the inexplicable goings-on that work their way through her mind. Nevertheless, she persists. She fights to survive herself. To convince her mind that not all thoughts are productive. To channel her anxieties on a more efficient mode. She fights to win, because losing has never been an option.
My dream girl is terrified of taking risks, though she sees herself as a doer, she doesn’t actually live on the edge. That new piercing? Seen as a split decision, though she had contemplated it for months in advance. The tattoo she’s bound to get in the future, is already in the works. She’ll squeeze her eyes shut the whole time through, and marvel afterward, at how rash she was in her making the decision to mark her body for the rest of time.
My dream girl and I are an incompatible pair. An image of the woman I live to become, she drives me mad. Though each day, I am still becoming her.
The Woman of My Dreams
Now I look toward the woman who will one day occupy the current-shaped space of my future self. Today, I am the girl of my dreams, and should that sound bigheaded, then my big head is the only size I ever want it to be. Tomorrow I am one step closer to being the woman I will have reflectively dreamed of becoming.
Be your own role model, because no one can let you down like you can, and nothing will inspire you more than working to win yourself.